My MONSTRESS Renaissance

this is it.

2009-12-31T07:19:00.019+08:00

end of 2009.

this year has been very eventful and emotional.

it's not a good year for me.

feels like i've aged alot.

i hope for riddance to all of my unhappiness, bad memories and awful experiences to be fed to a shredder - destroyed and disposed.
i hope to shred memories of bad and hurtful things that others have done to me or difficult circumstances i've went through.
i know i cannot get away or removed them ... instead i'm going to live with it from now on.

difficulties burdened my heart as i mulled them over and over in my mind.
affected myself and my outlook in life.

the pain may stop but the gap never closes.

the achings still comes and goes.

when will it end?

when will i forget?

i don't know.

it started with a heartfelt moment.

apparently, it couldn't be kept going afterall we have been through.

you mean so much to me that i have to let you go.

there's no moving on so i'm leaving.

whenever life's burdens oppress me,
and trials seems too much to face,

i tell myself:
remember there's a strength in me,
for i'll be given power and grace.

mo chridhe...

i'm not writing anymore.

probably will leave my thoughts and feelings somewhere somehow... i'm not sure.

i've thought over it for quite some time and made my decision/s.

it was nice knowing you;
great being with you;
utterly sad to leave you.

will you ever see me or hear from me again?

no... yes... maybe... maybe not...

this is a choice i've made.

so... this is it.

what i know for sure... i think

2009-12-23T03:44:00.003+08:00

here are a few things i know for sure:

1. my personal particulars (but it won't be featured here).

2. i did my best but i guess my best isn't good enough for you; i give my all but i guess my all ain't what you are looking for.

3. how well, good and close to a person can't be determine by the no. of years of knowing each other - you still don't know me after so long; probably yourself to me too.

4. i can forget certain people and things but unfortunately, there are some i can't.

5. when i smile or laugh, doesn't exactly mean i am feeling good in my heart.

there are things i know for sure and things i don't know for sure.
there are also things i wish i never knew.

but there is nothing i know for sure as i know for sure people change; things change.

i thought i knew for sure who i am but looks like i don't think so anymore.

i thought i will always be the same.

but i realized i'm not.

i've changed and will be changing in time to come.

i know for sure i would never be able to change any of the bad, tough, rough, low, difficult, unhappy, sad times i went through in my life.

because it was in those times that defines me which i grew the most and gained the most perspective.

it's the challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and makes us unique.

are they fun and enjoyable when they happen?

no, definitely not.

but they are what makes us individually special.

this is what i know for sure... i think.

hyperopia

2009-12-21T18:19:00.000+08:00

i made a 2nd trip to my optician/s to verify or rather, to confirm the diagnosis of my eyesight.

i'm not used to the new lens instill for me.

as previously, it took about 30-45 minutes for 2 optometrists to check my eyesight.

both times, these are the conclusions:-

1st, degrees for my eyesight has both decreases over a hundred each.

2nd, astigmatism has increases 0.5 each.

3rd, i have hyperopia.

hyperopia, also known as farsightedness, longsightedness or hypermetropia, is a defect of vision caused by an imperfection in the eye (often when the eyeball is too short or when the lens cannot become round enough), causing difficulty focusing on near objects, and in extreme cases causing a sufferer to be unable to focus on objects at any distance.

at age of 9 i've started wearing specs.

from short-sightedness to long-sightedness, i definitely have questions and of course, queries how + why.

2 optometrists and 2 opticians gave me their explanations and diagnosis.

we did tests and tests and checks and checks because i want to confirm my eye condition.

well, in the end they all said the same thing.
"Visual acuity is affected according to the amount of hyperopia, as well as the patient's age, visual demands, and accommodative ability."

long-sightedness?

at my age?

umm... oh well, anywayzzzzz...

i read more about my eye condition from these 2 links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-sightedness

http://www.pupileyes.com/index.php?content=hyperopia&lang=english

never fails to amuse me

2009-12-19T21:22:00.003+08:00

ernie @ centrepoint

ernie & friends

sesame street wishes all happy merry x'mas.

enjoy!

not forgetting, my sis gave me this...

bathing ape

2009-12-19T20:53:00.000+08:00

finally, s'pore has it's 1st outlet of bathing ape.

selection ain't alot.
prices of items are rather costly.

spot the difference

2009-12-13T19:46:00.007+08:00

answer: alvin, simon, theodore ...... & me

optimus prime

2009-12-12T19:55:00.001+08:00

watch optimus prime posed for my sister.

am i? ... i probably am.

2009-12-09T09:24:00.004+08:00

u said: "u always think alot and carry so much melancholic mood in the email =_=. "

i realised quite some time ago that i am.

it came to me in certain way/s.

maybe you didn't realise or notice.

i just hide my emotions or didn't talk about it.

... ...

i'm not the me as i was before.

i've received a postcard...

2009-12-06T20:00:00.007+08:00

from you.

got me interested on the picture.

i did some reading on the history of it.

Pictures Buddha Image & Temple at Wat Mahatat Ayutthaya, Thailand
Location Along Sikhun road near the terminus of Horattanachai and Naresuan

This is the famous site with the Buddha’s head inside of a tree.
It almost looks like the tree is giving birth to him.
Locals like to say that the tree lifted it off the ground since it was so holy.
Wat Mahatat is perhaps the most historically relevant ruin in Ayutthaya, however with the central prang collapsed it is hardly worth the 30 THB admission price.
Most of the structure can be seen from the outside gate.
There are some very unique chedis here, but the main highlight remains the Buddha’s head in the tree.

for more info, click on the following link:
http://ayutthaya-info.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=10&Itemid=25

good apples, rotten apples

2009-12-05T19:29:00.003+08:00

jess sent me a quote, but i amended it slightly to be more... for everybody.

some of us are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees.

some out there don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

so the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing.

they just have to wait for the right one to come along,

the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...

one thing i know... for sure

2009-12-04T09:17:00.001+08:00

personality can open doors,

but only character can keep them open.

i've got mail!

2009-11-25T10:53:00.015+08:00

-> ->
->
finally, after several months it has found it's owner. - me!
it has been around a couple of places from other parts of the globe before reaching to the correct address. - my mistake!
should arrived separately in different occasions but i guess how it comes about from its journey definitely makes me cherish them much much more.

i'm like opening gift after gift after gift after gift...
well... well...
definitely makes me wonder "is that your weird handwriting?"
coz the handwriting on the white envelope is yours! but the ones on the green envelope... ?
definitely an accessory to my fridge...
i may not drink but it'll helps to open the hua tiao jiu bottle in the kitchen. - quoted from my sis
definitely enables me to study the map of the postcard...
i can improve on my geography.
definitely made me smile...
how do you know my size? have you been checking me out?

you said you don't need me to thank or anything but... i still want to say "thank you".

nasal spray

2009-11-24T15:12:00.010+08:00

patients suffering from as asthma uses a mouth spray.

patients suffering from sensitive sinus problem uses a nasal spray.

today, dr loh officially issued a nasal spray to me.

reviewing this past 3/4 of the year of visits i've paid to the clinic which all medical examinations concludes to my sensitive nose - flu, phelgm, nose blocked, throat inflammation ... -> all signs of sinus issues will appear.

besides a huge pack of various medications prescribed to me, i have to use the nasal spray twice a day.

- once every morning and night;

- sit at a upright position then insert the spray into the nostril;

- spray into each nostril to unblock the blockage so as not to build up the phelgm stuck at my throat.

sounds simple?

old already + body resistance is much lower = weaker health

looks like i will be stuck with this for a while.

seeds and faith

2009-11-22T00:00:00.004+08:00

we are always sowing seeds in life

by everything we do and say.

so let's make sure the fruit we reap,

comes from the good we do each day.

wise quote

2009-11-21T22:35:00.004+08:00

"is it wrong for gay to fall in love? how jo?"
my red ranger asked me this morning.

this is a society issue.
what the society accepts, acknowledges, wants and needs may or may not be the best for everyone.

i'm not some love expert but i shared my few cents worth.
what is wrong and right when it comes to love?
however, it does takes alot of courage and strength with alot of support for each other.

love does not consist of gazing at each other,
but in looking together in the same direction.
- antoine de saint-exupery

fragile existence

2009-11-15T02:19:00.004+08:00

though darker, rougher grows the way.
and cares press harder day by day.
with patience i'll rest,
and whisper that i'll know best.

graveyard shift

2009-11-09T10:00:00.001+08:00

starts tonight...

love vs suffering

2009-11-07T23:07:00.006+08:00

read something and felt like sharing.

to love is to suffer.

to avoid suffering, one must not love.

but then, one suffers from not loving.

therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer.

to be happy is to love, then, is to suffer but suffering makes one unhappy.

therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

- woody allen

away

2009-11-07T23:00:00.011+08:00

back to work after 5 days of being away.

though i did went back and spent 4 hours at work on wednesday.

anyway... i had to.

otherwise, things can't progress the way i want it to be.

the past few days has been the better comfortable period so far since the past 6-7 months.

though one of the staff said to me today that i looked emo this morning.

was i?

"rest is to take on a longer journey."

what's within you

2009-11-05T10:00:00.000+08:00

the people around us can surprise us everyday.

that maybe who we are isn't so much about what we do.

but rather what we are capable of when we least expect it.

halloween visit @ 12 midnight

2009-11-04T17:52:00.009+08:00

familiar faces & horrifying gang

it's nice to see familiar faces in the midst of work on a saturday night.

especially when i'm 'held down on duty' by the lanyard and the heavy bunch of store keys.

**(ummm... realised i've been making a few exceptions of myself lately.)

truth

2009-11-04T17:45:00.002+08:00

there are 2 reasons to not tell the truth -
(i) because lying will get you what you want,
and
(ii) because lying will keep someone from getting hurt.

solitude

2009-11-03T16:44:00.013+08:00

solitary: alone, living alone, not gregarious, without companions; single, separate; secluded, lonely. recluse, hermit.

*(gregarious: living in flocks or communities; fond of company; of flocks or crowds.)

*(recluse: given to or living in seclusion, retirement or isolation.)

*(hermit: person living in solitude.)

solitude: being solitary; lonely place.

if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude.

it's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

- jodi picoult (my sister's keeper)

i could have quoted the aboved sentences which speaks so much of my sentiments.

expectations

2009-11-03T16:21:00.006+08:00

have you ever placed expectations on others as of yourself?

well, i do.

last week, i finally confirmed a staff whom i chose to be in one of my departments.

life can be such a irony where a person's job outcomes derives from one's choice and decision.

in this case, my choice... my decision.

especially when i'm a in position authorised with the 'power'.

being me, i can be a rather irritating and particular person.

of course, i laid down my 'rules' to him.

1. integrity

2. self-discipline *(which inludes talk less, work more)

3. punctuality

4. work performance

i said to him: if you can't be up to standard, then i will replace you.

do i expect myself to adhere to those 'rules' i laid?

yes, as a matter of fact.

despite whatever i am at work, i want everyone in my teams to work in an amiable environment.

hallowing on this halloween

2009-10-31T02:08:00.000+08:00

what is filling the vessel of my life?

is it a bitter attitude that leads to foolish disputes and strife, or is it a sweet spirit that leads to righteousness, faith, love and peace?

surprise moment @ work

2009-10-30T19:59:00.002+08:00

finally sat down to upload these pictures taken on 23rd Oct.

not my usual practice to show my face but i reckon it's ok to make an exception.

self-reflection

2009-10-29T19:45:00.005+08:00

this evening, i went to attend an event.

just myself.

i think it's something i should do.

i realised what i have missed all along.

something so near yet i never once make an effort to more pay attention to.

listening to the happy memories, sad regrets and seeing the tears flow.

in a way or so, i felt inspired by such notions.

i took a longer bus route home.

i choose to.

to make myself think.

to make myself reflect.

sometimes loss can be in a form of gain.

it's only a matter of whether the gain results positively or negatively.

not a good year

2009-10-28T21:21:00.015+08:00

this year isn't a good year in some aspects.

loss especially... loss of someone important in my life, loss of somethings i treasured...

but today i will mention in particularly - death...
not just other death around the world but revolving in my circle of life as well.

you can't stop the future.

you can't rewind the past.

you can only continue to live by moving forward.

brace yourself with strength and courage.

live not just for yourself, and also for those who cares and loves you.

it can't be well just overnight.

it will take a period of time.

but most important is to treat yourself well no matter what.

belated? never... from my dear old friend

2009-10-27T00:16:00.004+08:00

"Hi Hi, This is a bit late ya..." - Ginn

i'm not usually the kind to put my picture online but this time i made an exception.
thank you for taking the time and making the effort to photoshop the image.

it means alot to me.
i like it.
**(you still have my picture from our gold coast trip 3 years old.)

trick or treat

2009-10-26T23:51:00.006+08:00

just when i thought it's over...

trick
or

treat

thanks to all the staff.
i can't remember every names whom have contributed...

and i have yet to thank each of you but i appreciate all your nice thoughts.

fated or destiny

2009-10-25T07:04:00.010+08:00

i chanced upon something and spend about 30 minutes reading.
something in my mind told me to.
a night is gone and i'm still thinking about the contents of it.
no... actually, i woke up to the thoughts of it.
probably i need to feel and ponder over it now so i can reflect upon myself.

i am thankful for this course of action coz if not, i will not know and probably never.
from it, i realised:
people choose to be selfish - despite that there are people with bigger heart.
(i'm learning to be)
people choose to hurt - so that they can achieve their own intentions.
(i don't want to be)
people choose to be ungrateful - there's an unlying motive in one's mind.
(i wouldn't want to resort that)

i felt sorry.
i felt pity.
i felt 'it could have', 'if only'.

life is a constant change.
what we are at different stages of our lives created those changes.
choices we made at those moments changes our lives.
afterthat, everything will never be the same again.
we can never turn back time or regain what it was when it began, what it used to be and how it will be.
or simply, some things are just not meant to be.

i told people, there are usually signs appearing before or signifying the result/s.
personally, there are times i failed to see or sense it in my course of life.
that's why, i have to go through the consequences (so-called rough patch in life).
have i wasted time after course when i could have avoided it initially?

looking and thinking back now makes me appreciate what has for me after the outcome.
no matter how the heart feels and the mind thinks, somehow it eventually has to go with what the eyes sees.
i have made some decisions and i will try to stick to it.

Jo, u have to step out of the circle yourself and look at things from a different perspective.
U can. - by Joey

the no-fuss day

2009-10-24T17:17:00.004+08:00

thank you my dear little sister for the swensen's kids ice cream cake.
thank you my parents and aunts for lunch.
(the absence of my brother sure give them an opportunity to divert their attention to me.)

i have received wishes via sms-es today.
a mixture of feelings but nonetheless...
thank you all for remembering.
i appreciate all your thoughts.
and will keep all your wishes for me in my heart.

thanks to jess for your surprise gift delivery to my home (when no one is there to receive).
as i said, the balloon with the gift looks just like 'UP'.

guess what joey, this year feels different because i finally have my three 'singers'.
for the 1st time - my sis, mummy and daddy sung for me.

a year older

2009-10-24T02:11:00.015+08:00

i'm a year older at the stroke of midnight a couple of hours ago.

this year is definitely different from last year and the year before, especially emotionally.

there are sad and happy ones but the unspoken shall be kept in my heart.

at this moment of my life, i have hardly anyone whom i considered my friends.

i'm happy they remembered though i stubbornly don't want to make a fuss.

thank you to all the staff who once again try to surprise me by switching off the lights with a song.
**(2 consecutive years pulling off the same stunt still warms my heart.)
this year has additional bonus coz my fellow colleague announced the wishes on sound system before the store is closing in 2 minutes time.

even the customers joined in the rendition of the song (english, mandarin & malay).

6 years in the company, i have never seen anyone else having such experiences.

that is so ... but many thanks to them... i have already said numerous times today.

thank you my dear joey.

u surprised me with the 'Transformer' movie poster and Stitchy items.

it's abit so not me but i will use it.

(at least, you remember something i like.)

thank you my dear jess.

i enjoy the place you brought me to eat.

and sharing the strawberry shortcake with me.

thank you my dear jaime.

first person who had this with me one month before.

the gifts are too much but i will use it.

a year older...

i can't guarantee i will be wiser and better but i will try not to repeat my mistakes and ensure i will cherish those who care for me.

speechless yet touched

2009-10-24T02:02:00.003+08:00

http://jadeartz.blogspot.com/

thank you my dear qiyu.

the dedicated drawing featured in your blog is so fantastic and excellent drawn.

i appreciate your effort, thoughts and will to do it.

suitability or unsuitability

2009-10-22T23:50:00.007+08:00

there are certain times when i will feel out-of-place.
maybe i don't want to be in a situation which i have or need to do certain actions, say certain words and think certain ways.
i don't feel like it at all.
coz i just feel not right.
most of all, it is not and will not be the 'me'.

feeling good

2009-10-19T17:15:00.011+08:00

*pat myself on my back*

i did something nice today which makes me feel good.
it's out of the ordinary which i guess not anyone will be willing and bother to do.

how far will you go for a person - someone not relate to you, someone who is not of a close friend?

i heard of the person's story.
it's rather unfortunate and i presume all i can do is to offer my listening ear and words of concern once awhile.

i did not put the issue aside eventhough i can choose not to care.
so, i went talking to people whom might be able to make a difference.

but each time came cold water poured to my face.

just this afternoon, i told the person: "we got no choice since next week is the dateline. let's go straight up to *****. don't worry, i will be with you."

challenge the impossible!

who says there's no 1st time to everything?

eventually?

... see from the subjected title.

i'm glad i've did something.

in my dreams

2009-10-17T20:49:00.006+08:00

have you ever had someone telling you that?
or you have said that to yourself before?

people said in life if you really want something so bad and you keep thinking about it night and day... day and night...
but on the other hand you know you will never get it ... then probably it's only in your dreams.

"dream about it, maybe you'll have it." - sounds familiar?

i did.
in fact, a couple of times these few months.
i woke up mocking at myself with those words coz it's really in my dreams that the unrealistic, unattainable, unachievable, unbelievable, undeniable... stuff comes true.

the feeling of it in my dream/s is so real.
i can almost touch it.
but when i wake up at the next moment, it's gone.
a smile from my face becomes a frown.

i guess it is really in my dreams then i can feel what i want and hope to be.

win some, lose some

2009-10-14T20:28:00.005+08:00

there's a saying in life: "you win some, you lose some."

today, i experienced that sentence in a situation which i can relate those words to.

however, for me it's: "i lost some, i won some."

...

i wish you are still here to share the moment with me.

...

if only...

choice of decision

2009-10-13T20:57:00.004+08:00

a colleague gave me a pair of movie preview tickets to 'my sister's keeper'.

the person i want to watch with came to my mind.

in the end, i didn't watch.

i gave the free tickets away to someone else.

there are some things in life which you only want to do with certain people.

since the person i want to watch with can't watch with me.

i rather don't watch at all.

the movie is secondary.

the person in my mind means much more to me.

hiatus

2009-10-12T21:24:00.004+08:00

hiatus: break, gap, esp. in a series, account, or chain of proof; break between ending, and another beginning.

unexpected mail

2009-07-15T17:56:00.002+08:00

i was dumbfounded when i opened my mailbox at my void deck.

i recognised the handwriting.

i thought the pot of roses is already more than that.

but this is totally ... left me so overwhelmed when i opened to view the contents.

jess, you have been such a dear, sweet, great friend.

i can never thank you enough.

the book is just what i need to re-read again after this 7 years when i first bought for you.

though this is not the copy i gave you but you are very sweet to pass on the copy your friend gave you to me.

i couldn't read completely what you have wrote inside the book after i flipped the cover.

coz the tears just filled the whole of my eyes as i read along from paragraph to paragraph.

i'm so touched.

it's very nice and thoughtful of you.

inside were words of encouragement from your friend to you and now you have added yours to me.

it's very inspiring and i will treasure it.

thank you so much.

a pot of flower

2009-07-14T17:29:00.006+08:00

this came in the morning while i was on duty on the shopfloor.
my colleague told me there was a delivery for me when i was about to go upstairs office for my breaktime.
it's placed on my desk.
**heard whispers in the background of me having secret admirers!!!**

a pot of flowers (roses).
i was very touched.
can feel tears soaking up in my eyes.

thanks jess.
i appreciate your kind caring concern.
though there isn't any name in the card attached but a verse from Jeremiah 29:11.
i knew it's you.
once again, you reminded me to be the strong, beautiful and pure rose in God's eyes.

madworld

2009-07-14T17:19:00.003+08:00

all around me are familliar faces
worn out places
worn out faces

bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere
going nowhere

their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
no expression

hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow
no tomorrow

and I find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had

i find it hard to tell you coz I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
its a very very
madworld

children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday
happy birthday

and I feel the way that every child should
sit and listen
sit and listen

went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me
no one knew me

hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me
look right through me

and I find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had

i find it hard to tell you
cos i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it`s a very very
madworld

plans

2009-07-13T17:26:00.002+08:00

jeremiah 29:11
for I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.

sad... unhappy...

2009-07-10T18:17:00.004+08:00

i am unhappy.

i am sad that i am unhappy.

finally i realised how much happiness means to me when i am happy.

now i can't seem to find that feeling in my heart.

my will to my beloved friends

2009-07-07T17:56:00.018+08:00

to my dearest friends,

i've choose this moment of my life to leave these words in this will to all of you.
i want to remember what's on my mind now before i forget.

the past few months have been another stage of experience in my life.
things even of little importance can play a part.
when something happens, it triggers something inside me that connects me to a situation or other people - twisted and turned but still connected.
things happened which unravelled about me, myself and i.

the passing of time is ticking.
we see it day by day, night by night goes by but often we don't feel it.
each second makes its mark on every single person's life.
enough time leaves us warm; when our time is gone, it too leaves us cold.
time is more precious than any valuable treasures.
it is time we do not have enough of, and so we must spend it wisely.
time cannot be given.
but it can be shared.

i'm glad my time has been spend with all of you.
it has been a pleasure knowing each of you.
i'm very glad our paths crossed and it has been very worthwhile.

do not be sad when i leave this world.
do not cry for me when i'm gone.
but instead, do celebrate that i am free of all the saddness, unhappiness, depression, hurt and pain.

one man's lesson is another man's tale but often, a man's tale can be another's lesson.
this is my lesson; my tale.
i would hereby like to show my appreciation to my beloved friends.
and will acknowledge all the following special people in my life.
this is solely to concentrate on those who are important to me.

i will return all the gifts that all of you have given me.
do not be angry.
it's not that i find them of no use or purpose that's why i'm returning to you.
i'm... different in such matters.

to me, returning the items to each of you is to hope you will remember how much i was once meant to you.
of course, i would want to own them but with a bigger heart, i hope you will find yourself immerse in thoughts and feel the feelings of recalling the moments when you are buying the gifts, writing the letters/cards, making the handicraft...
doing all those things with me in your mind and heart.

well, i'm no saint... it does backfired.
i did angered people with my "different approach" in this.
i'm sorry.
maybe at certain situations, it shouldn't be applicable.
but this was my intention afterall.
i hope with this explanation, it will clarify certain matters.
yes, this is for you (if you are reading it now).

so, my beloved friends ... this are my most sincere and utmost heartfelt words to you.
**
note: the below in order is not of any preference.
and to those which i didn't mentioned, it's not that you don't mean anything to me.
everyone i've met in my life defines me at different stages.
i'm thankful to each of you.
**

i love you joey.
(i hope you will find time in your busy schedule to remember my existence.)

i love you jess.
(you have given me the most spiritual support when i needed most.)

i love you ginn.
(silence is our best comfort because words can only do so much.)

i love you qiyu.
(your own style of theory never fails to lighten my heavy heart.)

i love you ning.
(you will always be my greatest gift.)

***
if i am buried in a grave, visit me.
if i am dust to dust; ashes to ashes, think of me.
i will be contented.
***

yours sincerely,
me

melancholy

2009-06-26T07:02:00.011+08:00

i've been reading a few books on suicide fiction recently.
makes me feel ... ... dark, down, sad and depressed.

there are so many people out there in the world.
what's so special about me?
maybe i'm considered 'special' as i have abit of crooked teeth and a hunchback.
or i'm just like any one out there who sleeps, eats, watches tv, listens to music, read and work for a living.

my melancholy times of mini me.

death
i want to die so i can be free of the saddness, unhappiness, depressed and painful feelings in me.

maybe... perhaps...

2009-06-24T20:50:00.011+08:00

today i was doing audit in the finance room.
this colleague whom i didn't usually interact alot but she is a nice quiet person asked me a couple of questions.
her questions are: why i didn't have someone in my life? is it because of my irregular shifts?

it was rather a ... ... question.
i paused for a second, put down the whole lot of paperwork in my hands.
i turned to look at her and say: -
"it's very hard to find someone AND have that someone who will loves me for who i am, what i am and how i am."
"it's not easy to have someone who is and will be strong for me."
"it's not just any one who is willing to take that step, much less to say to actually do it."
"it's difficult especially when one's family and friends' views/opinions are being placed at a much more important place than me."

"so, where am i in such situation?"
"is there effort done to fight for it?"
"will there be any perserverance to the relationship?"
"and eventually, the person's own interests comes first or to sacrifice mine?"

she listened and nodded her head.
i guess she's acknowledging my words.
she then said to me: -
"if someone really truely loves you, then that someone will be willing and strong to face whatever obstacles, problems and difficulties together with you."

i smiled weakly and said to her:-
"life is like that - never smooth sailing, always unfair."
"maybe... perhaps... i guess that's why i'm me, myself and i."

on happiness

2009-06-24T18:33:00.006+08:00

one day, the young lion asked his mom: "mom, where is the happiness?"
mom replied: "it's on your tail."
so the young lion keeps on chasing after his tail.
but after a whole day of trying, he failed to get the happiness that was on his tail.
then he told his mom about this, his mom smiled and said: "son, you don't really need to chase after your happiness.
as long as you keep going and moving forward, your happiness will always be with you.

you can't decide the length of life but you can control how you want to live it.
you can't control the weather but you can control your mood.
you can't change your look but you can smile.
you can't control others but you can control yourself.
you can't foresee tomorrow but you can utilize today wisely.
you can't win everything but you can try your very best to achieve that.
hope everyone can face the daily life positively and always be happy.

**it's raining for the whole of today.
makes me feel rainy too...

expiry

2009-06-22T18:42:00.003+08:00

i hope to be expired first.
i can't bear to see my family and beloved friends leave before me.
my heart is not very strong to lose someone close to me.
this is my weakest point.

i wonder how will life be without me?
will i make a difference?
or am i easily forgotten?

pay my respects

2009-06-21T18:57:00.008+08:00

time flies.
another year has passed.
many things has happened during this period.

happy and sad...

today is my 3rd visit with my mum, sis and aunt to pay respects to my eldest uncle's grave.

my aunt drove us to Choa Chu Kang.
my grandma didn't go with us this time.

she is ill.

it was raining heavily as compared to big sunny weather last year.

we sat in the car while waiting for the rain to stop.

even with the heavy rain, i can still see the graves around us.

it has increased... more than last year when we came.

sitting silently in the car, looking out at the rain by the window i turned to my sis and said: "if i am to be buried, do my grave in marble."

life is so fragile.

everyday there are people who died and everyday there will be more and more graves filling up the empty space on the land.

suicide... funeral... eventually

2009-06-18T18:29:00.008+08:00

suicide
unlike old age or cancer, no one anticipates a suicide.
they simply left without a chance to get things in order.

death
i want to die so i can be free of the saddness, unhappiness, depressed and painful feelings in me.

funeral

i thought about my own funeral.

more and more, in very general terms.

just the fact of dying.
i could picture life - family, friends and everything else - continuing on without me.

but i could not picture my funeral.

not at all.

mostly because i couldn't imagine who would attend or what they would say.

i had... i have... no idea what you think of me.

eventually

you can't stop the future.

you can't rewind the past.

happy birthday joey!

2009-06-17T17:50:00.005+08:00

dearest sweet joey, happy birthday to you!
i wish you happiness, laughters, smiles and many more joyfulness to come.
may you have an enjoyable and wonderous time on this special day.

**i remembered you told me you like strawberry cake.
though the picture aboved is different from the one i bought for you that day but i hope you will find similarity somehow.

fake people

2009-06-17T17:44:00.003+08:00

jess emailed me some sentences from a student's facebook.

true as it may be in today's world for which i have to agree nonethless.

"Encountering fake people is like taking a walk in the park.
They sprout everywhere like wildflowers.
And like the weed among the grass patches, no matter how good they look, they are still weeds.
If they die, they do not deserve pity.
For they will sprout elsewhere.
They are the survivors."

my philosophy in life:-

don't know;

don't care;

don't bother;

don't understand.

1st visit to jess's house

2009-06-16T18:06:00.003+08:00

this evening was my first visit to jess's new house after she got married about 6 months ago.
on my way to meet her then i realised that i only have with me was "a bunch of bananas".
yes, means nothing lor... only my ten fingers.

with about 30 minutes more before meeting her at her school bus stop, i went to raffles city to choose a nice heartwarming gift not only for her but for her husband, lionel as well.
i told her afterthat he won't have to share with her over the gifts as each will have one - fair and square.

i even called my sis for suggestions before confirming on my selections.
actually i'm more or less decided but just want to hear a second opinion.
well, i chose 2 sets of breakfast set which consists of a bowl, plate, sauce plate and a cup.
there are 3 colours so i choose a blue/green set for her husband and a pink/orange set for jess.

as both were gift wrapped and i didn't asked the salesgirl to leave any indication for which is for whom, so i told jess they have to open together.

it will depends on fate to who will get the set i've intended for whom in my mind.

this morning, jess messaged me.
"jo, so qiao lor.
last night b4 we slept, i opened the box with pink and he opened the box with blue."

oh well...

looks like it's fate after all.

dinner with joey

2009-06-15T18:22:00.004+08:00

this evening is to celebrate joey's birthday.
i still remembered last year's.
well, don't expect me to sing the birthday song to you again.

it's not my style... so not me...
i did so last year coz my mum kept urging me on to sing or rather she made me do it.

i wore a HOT colour.
that made her laugh widely when i elaborate on how HOT i am.
i fetched joey after work and we trained the new circle line.
"fried maggi mee" was my 1st attempt try on this "i've never heard, seen and tasted before" dish.

and that "ju gui" was much delicious than the tiong bahru market's.
the meal didn't failed us afterall, worth the lengthy trip to travel to eat eventhough what you initially plan to eat didn't open for business.

funny that now i thought about it, i realised we can sit at a market for a few hours just eating and talking.

we did that before...
does it foresee us in 30 years later when we celebrate your birthday?
market + us = ???

well, i'm glad you like the piece of cake i've got you after my 2nd thoughts.

though this year you won't have a whole cake + my singing but you'll definitely have the gifts which i will hope you will like it.

work=backache, nice=pain, flu=tissue paper

2009-06-14T12:38:00.002+08:00

work=backache
this morning, i woke up to a straining pain.

my back muscles were aching.

must be friday before i was loading and carrying up to 2 pallets of cartons filled with books.

**fyi, 1 pallet=42 cartons; 2 pallets=84 cartons

sigh!

work...

i noticed a small bruised area at my waist which i reckoned i had that spot to support the cartons in order for me to lift up to the level which exceeds my own height.

nice=pain

i played a good nice samaritian yesterday.

a lady left her handphone in the toilet cubicle.

i went in after her and saw it.

in between the quick reflex action to hold on the door, the cubicle door slammed on my index finger.

ouch!!! but still...
i went after the lady and returned her the handphone.

and i'm still ouch!!! ouch!!! ouch!!!

my finger is bruised with a patch of blood clot beneath my fingernail.

so much for being nice...

what has my nice-ness in humanity brought me?

my finger kinda' numb now.

flu=tissue paper

i don't know what and when this slimy liquid takes controls my nose.

i was sneezing, sniffing non-stop and experiencing blocked nose since this morning.

i may have got it last night...

my tissue box has never once left out of my reach.

i even had it replenished with more tissue paper about an hour ago.

it has made my head feels giddy.

popped a flu pill just now.

imagine there are a whole lot of small lumps of tissue paper filled with that whatever surrounding me.

sigh! oh well...

wanted to read and watch tv on this sunday but i can't get my energy level up.

i'm reaching for tissue again...

numerology part 3: characteristics

2009-06-13T01:38:00.008+08:00

http://www.circle-of-light.com/Metaphysical/numerology.html

Name number (fullname)
Relates to how you express yourself in the many outer experiences of your life.

my name number is 8.
-> ambition, power, production, money, security, practicality, materialism, status oriented, power-seeking

Destiny number (birthdate)
Also known as "Life Path" or "Birth Path", this number remains constant in your life (doesn't change with marriage, initiation, etc.). It tells a lot about why you are here on Earth and what you are meant to accomplish.
my birthdate is 4.
-> stability, firmness, security, conservative, practical, forms, systems, solidity, objectivity

Personality number
This number is derived from the consonants in your name and relates to the practical side of your life, such as career and personal relationships.

my personality number is 1.

-> independent, individualistic, martial, original, assertive, dominating, forceful, willful, pioneering, leading, initiating action, attaining

Soul Urge number
This number is derived from the vowels in your name and relates to the subjective, inner aspects of our lives.
my soul urge is 7.

-> philosophical, quiet, analytical, introspective, understanding, intuitive, inspirational, reclusive, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating

numerology part 2: my birth date

2009-06-13T01:30:00.010+08:00

http://www.decoz.com/DoReading_numerology_2.htm

Your Birth Day number is 24

You are family-oriented, with a gift for restoring and maintaining balance and harmony in relationships.
You are emotional and sensitive and like to demonstrate your love.
You have a gift for both the healing and cultural arts.

You can be overly emotional and even melodramatic.
You have a tendency to magnify your emotional issues, especially when they involve some kind of criticism of you.
You are willing to sacrifice much to maintain harmony in important relationships.
You willingly provide a soft shoulder to cry on or a ready ear to hear out someone's travail.

You are energetic, responsible and helpful, but your sympathetic nature may cause you to interfere in relationships and get you into trouble.
Know your limits.
At the same time, you must avoid being taken advantage of.

Your artistic talent goes in many directions, but you are likely gifted in acting and drama.
At the same time, you generally do well in business because you are systematic, careful, and patient in your approach to business issues.
You can be a bit impractical, however, and need others to give you sound advice.
You are a good friend and a faithful companion.
You attract sound people to you who gladly advance you along the lines of your talents.

Personal Year Cycle number
http://www.decoz.com/DoReading_numerology_14.htm

24 + 10 +2009
reduce 6 +1+2 = 9
The 9 Year: A year of completion, release, and transformation.

wonder what's my year of completion, release and transformation?

9 Personal Year
Personal Year the 9 invites you to pay special attention to your inner world.
You have graduated from a cycle of experience.
It is a time for completing many areas of experience so that you can move freely into the next cycle ahead without carrying forward outgrown or unneeded baggage.
There is a letting go of the old as anticipation of future possibilities exists.

so, new year - new beginning? new opportunities? new change?

numerology part 1: my own numerology reading

2009-06-13T01:13:00.005+08:00

qiyu msn this website to me and ginn.

try and see if it's accurate.

well, mine is like ME reading about ME.

http://www.decoz.com/DoReading_numerology.htm

Your Life Path is 4

Your Life Path (sometimes called Destiny) is derived from your birth date.
Your Life path is the road you are traveling.
It reveals the opportunities and challenges you will face in life.
Your Life Path number is the single most important information available in your Personality Chart!

You are practical, down to earth with strong ideas about right and wrong.
You are orderly and organized, systematic and controlled, you are decisive and methodical employing a step by step rational approach to problems solving.
Once committed you do not give up easily!

You are not one for "get rich quick" schemes.
Rather you use hard work and long hours to build a business or career- you seek to establish a solid foundation.
Precise, tenacious and persevering, you have great potential for success, but only after putting out effort and overcoming the limitations you so often encounter.
Justice and honesty are sacred to you.
You are reliable and dependable, a cornerstone in the community.
Though not an idealist, you are willing to work for a better world in a realistic way.
However, you can be rigid in your ideas and sometimes too quick in judging your fellow man.

You are loyal to those you love and work well with others. .
It is important that while being part of a team you have your own responsibility and well- defined task, you perform better when your responsibilities are not overlapping with those of others.
You have to be careful not to be bossy and rude.
You possess rare discipline and perseverance and not everyone can keep up with you.

You can handle money carefully and like the security of a nest egg.
Your love of work often leads you into a career early in life.
Because of your methodical nature you can easily become rigid and stuck in convention.
You can also be overly cautious when changes are necessary, this can cause you to miss opportunities that present themselves .
You must cultivate flexibility in your character.
You are well suited for marriage and often become a responsible loving parent.
However, anything that violates your profound sense of order, such as separation or divorce can be a shattering experience for you.
You easily become obsessed and even vengeful, seeking your own definition of justice.

You are courageous and a true survivor.
You are a builder and the foundation of any enterprise.
Your hard work and practical, traditional values pay off to provide you with the rewards you seek and deserve.

thanks ginn!

2009-06-10T17:20:00.002+08:00

the lazy me asked ginn to help me renew my passport which is expirying in 11 nov 2009.

jess told me i should have it done 6 months before.

i recalled joey told me so too.

oh well!

slipped my mind.

otherwise, i can't travel for the next few months without my passport.

me: how to renew passport?

ginn: go http://www.ica.gov.sg/

me: i went already. so complicated. i lost my patience. can you help me?

ginn: can. send me your date of issue, IC, passport photo. eventhough it will be black & white eventually.

me: you are SO sweet, SO nice. thank you so much.

ha! i just email ginn my passport details and not forgetting my qian bian yet adorable face.

people change/d

2009-06-09T18:16:00.006+08:00

jess was in conversation with me on our ex-uni classmates.

the past 10 years since we graduated, we did happened to see a few of our ex-classmates.

for the record, none of them ever recognised me.

a few times, we even come face to face.

maybe they:

1. didn't see me

2. can't recognise me

3. pretend not to see me

4. choose not to see me

people see what they want to see.

me too... in a way.

i'm not perfect.

i'm just a human being.

when i saw them, i also can't be bothered if they see or recognise me.

not that even if we acknowledged each other, we have things to talk about.

it's our destiny that our fates will be like that.

-} to the people who once crossed paths with me.

people change as time goes by.

change for the better or worse?

change for own selfish reasons?

change for someone?

i told joey a few weeks ago, i've changed too.

i'm no longer the one when i was 10-15 years ago but yet, all these years i still hold on to my own beliefs and principles.

trusting and insisting on certain things which i strongly want and hope them to be.

what about you?

have you changed?

or you want to be changed?

or you need to change?

if you have, how have you changed?

if you do, why do you changed?

if you does, who/whom does you changed for?
if you did, what did you changed for?

surprise excursion

2009-06-09T17:44:00.009+08:00

jess messaged me to meet up for dinner tonight.

it was rather impromptu.

so, we confirmed the following.
meeting time: 5.30pm

venue: TMC - her school entrance

jess was already anticipating for my arrival at the entrance by our meeting time.

guess what?

she brought me around on a tour in her school, showing me the recreation area, presentation hall, classrooms, lecture theatres, meeting rooms, staff room, etc... of course, her office table.

she also introduced me her 'buddy at work', colleagues, her school dean as well as the school cleaner auntie.

i was like some VIP smiling, shaking hands and introducing myself to the people i meet.

"hi, how are you?"

"nice to meet you."

"i've heard so much about you."

"it's my pleasure."

quite interesting actually.

doing something out of the normal me.

being the not so ordinary me.

we had a nice dinner after that.

sometimes, it's a nice feeling to do something unplanned.

**i'm not the sociable type nor do i feel the need to know more people at this moment of my life.
most of all, i'm this friendly tonight because it's for jess.

virtual friends

2009-06-07T17:30:00.007+08:00

it's all started with jess emailed me asking: btw, who is joey?
so, i did a short intro of joey to jess via email.

never did i expect joey to reply to jess...
Hi Jess

this has got to be the most unique way of knowing a new fren:) Nice to know u

*virtual handshake.

Well, Jo next time we can all have dinner or something together:)

*point to note: Jo is very generous with her compliments~

very generous?
coz i written something like this:-
joey has her own blog.
you will find that she is a very interesting, adventurous, smart and charming person plus in real person, she is very pretty.

joey said i should introduce jess to her as well.
i shouldn't be just on herself or jess will be jealous!
i was like: "yah hor. ok i will write something about jess."
so i did a short intro of jess to joey via email.

the next thing i knew was jess replied joey's email too.
Hello Joey!

Nice to 'read' you :D

*virtual handshake

Jo is too good in writing - it's SPH's loss not to hire her as a guest writer *I know that since we were doing our undergrad

Yes - let's meet up in real person for dinner together - Well I guess the great 'Js' will click well

too good in writing?
coz i written somewhere along the line like this:-
jess is my very good, close and trusted friend.
oh! she is very gorgerous too.
especially she had this fabulous new hairstyle she cutted recently.

that's not the end.
both saw each other's pictures via virtually online too -> joey's blog & jess new hairstyle pic which i insisted she take and show me.

conclusion: joey is very pretty & jess is simply gorgeous.
... ... and jo is ... ... anyone care to fill in the blanks?

quote from a priest's sermon today

2009-06-06T20:21:00.005+08:00

quote:
"don't just focus on the person's weaknesses and the negativity of your relationship with his/her, you tend to lose your appreciation of the goodness for the person, what the person has done for you and his/her presence in your life."

small but yet not small

2009-06-05T17:44:00.010+08:00

this morning, someone messaged me this.
it goes:
i have to apologise.
i know you are nice person but please know i will never abuse that and take advantage of you.
(eventhough you are small in size... hehe)*peace*

what has my nice-ness to humanity brought me in my life?
......
i don't want to put it down now in this post.

sometimes, i or rather me keeping quiet doesn't mean i'm fine or ok about things.
it also doesn't mean i can or will condone other people's actions.
sometimes, i or rather me lying low or stay out of sight doesn't mean i'm unaware or i don't care.
i'm just giving people time and space.

we are already grown ups and should have certain degree of initiatives, so let's deal with it.
simplest way is communication.

everyone has their issues and things to do but don't be so selfish that one only care about ownself and forget other people.
and don't do it on my expense.
i will not be pleased.
so when i address the issue, it means everyone has to wake up your idea!

yellow!

2009-06-03T20:44:00.003+08:00

my mum said i'm yellow!
she got worried and immediately made me drink down a bottle of ginseng bird's nest.
'made me' as in definition:- she stood infront of me to ensure i swallowed down the whole of everything.

my work station

2009-06-02T18:14:00.003+08:00

this picture is taken for you, joey!

since i had a short tour in your office and seen your table the other day, so here's the picture taken of my table for you as promised.

things that make you go hhmm...

2009-06-02T17:56:00.004+08:00

this was what i saw in my inventory room white board as i stepped in today.
it just makes me go hhhmmm...
i have no idea these people go havoc when i'm not around.

these names are my department staff and an 'intruder' from another dept.
well, the characters does share similarities to the real people in person.
can anyone see which is apparently 'me'?

good or bad?
am i fuming with 'what the %&*@' or amused by it?

i leave it to you to figure out.

walk

2009-06-01T17:43:00.002+08:00

i strolled home today.
i took a different bus after work this evening.

alighted a bus stop away and walked my way home.
listening on my earphones of my old worn off sony FM radio receiver.
filling my mind with the DJ's choice of music.

somehow i feel out of the ordinary me today.

summarizing may 2009

2009-06-01T01:33:00.008+08:00

may 2009 is over.
just want to sum it all up.
hhhmmm...

it's the saddest, depressing, most heart pain and hurtful month of my life.
i've already live past an average lifetime of a person, how much longer will i still be in this world? 10 years? 20 years? 30 years?
well, i don't want to live long either.

soon, in a few more years time, i'll be reaching my big 4'O'.
i may still be the same as i am today with the exception in increasing of digit in age.

probably, i should be glad that i managed to experience the whole lot of emotional feelings.

maybe some people don't/won't even have the chance.

eventually, i will still be dust to dust; ashes to ashes.
and so someday, i will write a book of mine.

titled 'me, myself & i'.

it will be in my retirement plan.

i'll probably print it too.

to my dearest friends, i'll be sure to leave a copy for each of you plus autograph.

may 2009 will be chronicled in one of my life chapters.

the book will be filled with my most heartfelt words, sincere feelings and thoughts of my life.

it may not be very colourful, fanciful or interesting but i hope all of you will remember me in my own way.

museum date

2009-05-31T21:15:00.019+08:00

joey, this entry is for you!

today is museum day or rather museum date for me & joey.
all day free admission to all museums in singapore.

we met at 11.30am at her office building.
i was early and went exploring the nearby area.
and happened to chance upon fuk tak chi museum.
i thought she will ask where is that?
but she managed to find me effortlessly.

we had lunch near boat quay and soon led to conversations.
better start our date or we'll forgot what we want to do for the day.
we went asian civilisation museum first.
wow! went our mouths as we saw long queue.
singaporeans!!! kiasu!!!

fortunately, it's the queue for free ice-cream.
we went exploring other galleries which i didn't managed to see when i was there earlier the month for kangxi exhibition.
interesting!
i didn't realised there were more galleries on the 3rd and 1st floor as there are different stairways to these galleries in the building.
it's rather fruitful.
they should put up more directional signs.

next up was peranakan museum.
very crowded.
maybe it's free admission.
i went there before in march so the exhibits are still quite fresh in my mind.

the next nearest museum is the singapore philiatelic museum.
we were amazed by the seal which was sold at the shop as well as the stamps of michaelango's works.
other than that which is most memorable is the crowd.
then again, in singapore when things are free - it's crowded.

next destination which was entirely not in the itinerary is fort canning hill.
joey was my tour guide.
she went fort canning since she was 14 years old.
i was like a tourist wowing to whatever she told me, whichever direction she pointed to show me, and to wherever she brought me.
and there is actually a secret hidden stairway up behind the gate.
hhhmmm...
and i was recommended to go battlebox one day...

we walked down abit and across the road is the national art museum.
there was not much of any interesting galleries so we kinda walked around and out we go.
most eye catching is probably the pink tanks in the main lobby of the main entrance.

we walked further down opposite to the singapore art museum.
much better as there are more galleries but not that exciting.
we had quite a few discussions on the artworks displayed and some are definitely a question mark why it's exhibited.

verdict: the asian civilisation museum is the most worthy for art knowledge and money (if it's not free admission).

dinnertime
we went raffles city for dinner - a cha chan tang at basement.
joey's energy battery ran low so we ate, relax and chat.
i said before that with joey, any topics or subjects is interesting and engaging.
i always enjoy the interaction of exchanging views, opinions, thoughts, feelings and discussions with her.

she shared with me her recent life as a singleton and happenings around her friends' love life.
1. some guy/s interested in her is/are married but claimed single.
2. someone whom was interested in her was rejected by her on a recent date.
3. one who is newly married is in courtship with her friend who happens to be attached.
4. her rock climbing instructor who is married with a son has a girlfriend outside who is attractive and successful in her career.
5. a couple who are happily living together for very long time, not because of a piece of paper but because they want to be with each other.

i shared with her my views.
people go with a cycle.
boy meets girl /girl meets boy -> courtship -> marriage -> have children -> happily ever after.
this is what people is doing or generally believe they should be doing.
but who can guarantee all the process ends with a fairy tale?

people do things according to the age they are at and which stage they should be.
in their 20s, they want to find a perfect partner in search of true love.
before 30s, they want to be marry in a glamourous wedding and share their happiness at some 5-6 star hotels over some sharks fin dinner.
between 30s to 40s, quickly have children before the biological clock stops ticking.
40s to 50s, to work hard and save enough to ensure their children have good education.
60s onwards, hoping they will be appreciated and looked after when their children grows up.
and better still, relax at home to look after grandchildren.
then when the time comes, dust to dust; ashes to ashes with a load of children and grandchildren or great grandchildren seeing them off to the next world.
and the cycle of life starts going round and round, over and over again.

marriage is a risk to 50% till death do us part or 50% separation/divorce.
marriage is bonded by a piece of paper (contract of marriage).
marriage is being responsible to someone, after falling in love with and will regret if you can't live without that person.

life is about making choices and live with it after that.

a happy family doesn't mean or makes up from husband, wife and children.
a happy family to me can be my parents, my sis and myself.

will the person who sleeps next to you every night be 100% faithful?
will the person whom you are in courtship with truly love you 100%?
this is a temptation city.
not everyone will ever be satisfied with just one and only?
people change of heart because of what they want to have, what they can't have and what they envy.

when 2 people are together, it is for that moment of attraction.
when it diminished, you can no longer keep the person's heart.
otherwise, they are just being together for the sake of responsibilities towards each other.

companionship and enjoying each other's company is most important.
wanting to be together is because of each other.
accepting each other for who they are, what they are and how they are.
this is happiness.
sometimes, such simple happiness can easily attained and be contended.
afterall, life is short.

fantastic performance

2009-05-30T21:06:00.003+08:00

i've just attended aaron kwok's concert.
fantastic!
he's a very good performer.
dear friends, please view my sis's blog for more details.
http://myfrozenreminiscence.blogspot.com/

rather self-absorbed artiste but he does his show professionally.

people who cross/ed paths with me in my life

2009-05-30T03:37:00.015+08:00

i just settled down from work.
it's 3am plus, after a friday night of closing shift.

some thoughts and feelings from working tonight prompted me to write about it.
maybe i've been seeing too much of the day crowd of people at my work area that i suddenly feel congested and almost suffocated by the night group of people.
it's a relieved moment of solitudity when i finally sat down in my office table eating my dinner.

i was looking, seeing and observing the people through the night.
makes me think of certain things.
one of it was the people who crossed paths with me in my life.

there are people who make me:
1. happy
2. smile
3. love
4. touch
5. enlighten
6. inspired
7. grateful
8. thankful
9. appreciated
10. remembered
11. sincere
12. faithful
13. sad
14. cry
15. hurt
16. angry
17. upset
18. despair
19. frustrated
20. impatient
21. frown
22. devastated
23. regret
24. pain
25. humiliated

i'm a simple person with feelings.
i'm a human being afterall.

besides my family who makes me who i am today, the people around me or who once appeared in my life makes me who i am today too.
these people influence my thoughts, feelings, views, opinions, builds my character, personality, behaviour... etc.

i'm thankful to those who has helped me in times of need.
i'm grateful to those who was/were with me when i need help.
i'm in debt to those who has led me out of the maze when i'm lost.
i appreciate those who encourage, support and comfort me when i'm sad and hurt.
i seeked to those who willingly wait and gives me space when i feel emotionally overwhelmed.
they make me feel i am alive.

there are also a few who made me fall.
of course, i was very depressed, sad, hurt and pain.
sometimes, it affects me so badly that i cry.
off the record, the longest period i've ever cried is a month or so... especially at night or when i'm alone.
i'm still human.

these people may not know or realised what their decisions, words, thoughts, feelings and actions can do to me.
probably, they are concern about what they want for themselves that they have fail to consider my feelings and understand my thoughts.
i reckon people only choose what they want to listen, see, speak and think.

i always believe when i'm nice to people, they will be nice to me too.
but it's very rare that at certain situations, the part of being considerate is being brought to place before a result is going to happen.

well, i fall and fallen.... i have learn to pick myself up.
life is never smooth sailing.
there are ups and downs.
in the process there are regrets but if it's meant to be like this, i have to learn to accept and live with those regrets.
life is hard.

i don't know how these people are now.
maybe or maybe not they are having the best of their lives.

as for me, i'm still surviving in this world.
living my life as who i am, how i am, what i am.
whether anyone accepts me or not, i'm still living in this part of the world.
i can't be denial by other people and won't be ashamed of my presence.
i guess it just takes some effort, understanding and courage to acknowledge me.

distraction

2009-05-25T18:41:00.008+08:00

last saturday, i went to the science centre to see leonardo da vinci's science and arts exhibition.

the last time i went to his exhibition was when i was 18-19 years old.
i remembered it was at the singapore art museum.

his exhibition gave me an inspiration for my final year project at nafa.

however, i did on another great renaissance genius which is michaelango.

though he was not as fantastic nor famous as da vinci but he has his talents too.

sistine chapel and the statue 'david' were a couple of his famous artworks.

you can view from my sis's blog on her entry for trip to the science centre.

one day, i would like to travel to see all the famous artworks up close and personal.
**due to time constraint, i can't watch imax movie on van gogh... wasted...

and for last sunday, i began my day to the cut-hair auntie to trim those irritating hair touching my ears.

i can be rather particular about certain things.

then, i did a bit of vacuuming at home and shower before heading to bukit merah library.

the library used to be one of my favourite places.

for a year or so, i didn't frequent that much.

now, i'm back again.

reading books on csi, true crime, history, children's books, ... to occupy my mind.

imagine me hovering around the shelves at children's section, 'competing' with them over 'who-gets-the-books-first'.

for joey's pleasure of knowing, the latest books i've borrowed to read are geronimo stilton, tintin and ... gossip girls.

the latter was out of curiosity as the series are so popular in the bookstore plus my staff (mainly girls) are watching the dvd of it.

i wandered around the library, looking for subjects that can intrigued me to read.

i'm not in a very good mood recently so i'm looking for something light which can ease my mind.

today, my staff girls told me the book and dvd series are different and so, i should watch instead.
i was like ...

thanks

2009-05-23T20:58:00.014+08:00

i'm very grateful and thankful that in my lifetime, i have very good, very caring, very supportive, very sweet and very dear friends.

after over 3 decades of my life in this world, i don't have many friends left.

perhaps it's also my character and personality, i don't socialise alot.

my primary, secondary, nafa and uni friends/classmates have their own lives and during these years, all have dispersed, grew apart and lost/never contact anymore.

of all the people i meet, if we hit off well and can converse we will grow close to be better friends and build our friendship from there.

the previous 3 entries were dedicated to them.

though 1 of them is at the other side of the world, she still encouraged me with her emails.

of course, she hope she can be here too.

though the cause of my emotional downfall i didn't speak much of it.

people already made their choices and moved on their lives.

i am thus... forgotten.

with this fall, i have to learn to pick myself up and be strong.

i'm not a robot that can be fixed or rectify simply overnight.

i'm also not someone who can psycho myself with change of feelings and thoughts.

because i've given my heart and best to it, it can't be recovered easily.

i am not that kind of person.

i'm too much of a nice person that i take or accept what was being decided to me.

or how i'm being treated by other people despite after all i've done and how i treat people.

life is unfair.

am i really that small and insignificant?

i don't know why i will ended up like this.

i've been feeling sad and pain till now.

thanks to my friends for their encouragment.

i really appreciate it very much.

i know all of you are here for me today because each of you appreciate me too.

ginn

2009-05-22T20:42:00.011+08:00

met up with ginn this evening.
she took leave and went shopping.
by the time i saw her, she was tired from her long day.

we trained down to tampines as she hasn't been to tampines 1 yet.
we walked around and went to eat dinner.
we talked about work, family, her recent taipei trip and not forgetting our dear friend in san francisco.

we have been friends for 15 years so eventhough occasionally sitting down in silent with our own thoughts is also a comfort.

it's the company and presence of each other we enjoy and comfortable with.

she initiated this meet-up to give me a hug.

for support and strength.

this is very nice of her.

she messaged me these after i'm home:

keep your smile like today although i know it can be wider when you are ready.

i will wait patiently for your wider smile.

no hurry.

everyday smile a bit and soon it will be brighter.

joey aka 3eyealien

2009-05-21T20:10:00.004+08:00

this evening, joey and i had a dinner date.
she just came back from her perth trip.
my sweetest dear friend willingly be by my side since she knew i was not feeling emotionally well when she came back over last weekend.
we arranged to meet at redhill mrt station as she's bringing me to eat claypot rice at redhill market.

i saw her big smile on her face when she saw me within the going home crowd at the station control.
then i was given a huge hug, enveloped in her arms and a big fat kiss on my right cheek, leaving her lipstick mark which she then tried to wipe away as we crossed the road.
she asked if i knew what the kiss is for?
i know... it's for a 3 eye alien luggage tag i've snailed mail her last month for her trip.
she also asked if i had enough sleep as i looked shagged and that i've shrunk again.

this is my 2nd time eating claypot chicken rice.
i wanted to do the honours to stir it but when she heard it's my 2nd time eating.
she told me to sit down and let her do the work.
all i have to do is to wait for being served and eat.

we talked about many things.
as usual, with joey any topic of any subject can be interesting.
she told me to open up the gifts she've got for me from her trip.
She likes to make me do this coz she can see from my face expression when i see the gifts.
she is someone who wherever she travels, she never fails to get something for me when she comes back.
well, she is also someone whom wherever i travel, she will be in my mind and that i will also get something for her when i'm back.

we just sit at the market and chat till the food stores closes.
she then walked me to the bus stop and sees me up the bus.
i told her to go as she stays much further than me.
she just hushes me up...
nonetheless, that's very sweet of her.

she gave me these words:
hope i've been enough.
take care of yourself.
and remember bad things happen for a good reason.
it's just that i may not see it now.

jess

2009-05-20T19:30:00.006+08:00

jess, my dearest old friend of 10 years; arranged a date with me this evening to cheer me up.

we had dinner and watch a movie.

probably she wanted to take my mind of somethings.

the last movie/s we watched together was 10 years ago in Sydney while we were doing our degree course.

i still remember it's 'girl interrupted' and 'dogma'.

eversince she knew i was feeling down and upset, she has been sending me verses and praying for me to be strong again.

seeing the same blur blur her standing in front of me tonight simply warms my heart.

i haven't meet any of my friends for a long long time.

i last saw her was her wedding day last december.

she said i've lost weight.
i told her it's the t-shirt big that's why.
she shakes her head and insisted on her views.
oh well...

we did some catching up and she shared with me a story of her own.

it goes like this:

i once felt sad and unwanted.

i regret not letting anyone knew.

my family felt i was down but i didn't let them or any of my friends know.

i just took it upon myself, i thought i could forget and heal over time.

so one day, i went to church, to the altar to receive prayer from the pastor.

i didn't tell him i was sad.

when the pastor prayed for me, he saw a vision.

he saw a rose on a piece of land full of messy wild grass and there was this rose that stood firm and still.

most of all, it's pleasing to God's eyes.

no matter how unwanted, the rose is beautiful and pure in God's eyes.

she said to me, i am like the rose, beautiful in God's eyes no matter what happened or what people think of me.

he has better plans for us, so i should always hold on to my faith.

'i am the strong rose in God's eyes - beautiful, pure and strong.'

at the end of the night jess gave me a gift, attached a card with written words reminding me to be strong.

the gift is a crystal puzzle... which put all 44 pieces together makes up a rose.

friends

2009-05-19T18:43:00.011+08:00

last few days, 4 of my dearest friends read my blog.

they came to know that i was feeling down right to the bottom these days.

they never probe for the root of it but constantly gave me strength, support and comfort.

their words of comfort and support warmed my heart.

the last couple of entries were dedicated to them.

those are their words to me.

of course, it's very rare, hardly or never at all that my friends see me like this.

during our years of friendship - 15 years (2pax), 10 years and 8 years respectively, i'm always optimistic, happy and sunshine.

plus my megawatt smile.

one of them told me:

'your wise mentality will pull you through.'

one of them at the other side of the world suggested this:
'try writing all your feelings in a piece of paper, talk to yourself in the writing and let it all out, maybe you want to keep it, maybe you want to burn it, just like that.'
one of them gave me 2 phrases & a sentence:
'leave it, let go. remember you are the strong rose in God's eyes, beautiful, pure and strong.'
one of them, just made me go !!!...:

'you where got cute image. life is no smooth sailing. when you are faced with something bad, it depends on how you look at it. takes time to heal but don't take too long.'

be strong

2009-05-18T17:46:00.005+08:00

"fight for it if you think it's worth it,
but don't hold on to it if it's time to let go,

life's too short..."

--- qiyu

i am still a person under construction by God

2009-05-16T20:33:00.014+08:00

jess emailed and messaged me her old friend Samuel's blog address;
http://www.chiyoong.com/Site/S_-_Testimony_(v1.2).html

she said it's amazing and encouraged me to read.

i gave her my word, i will read it.

after reading, i feel it is inspiring.

there are a few things which i can relate to.

i began to ask myself, where do i place God in my daily life?

i've started going to church and attended Sunday School since i was 5 years old.

bible was practically my storybook, not that i ever read past Genesis.

it was until i was 17 years old, i went to attend Novena Church every saturday.

even till today.

(except when i'm scheduled to work afternoon shift.)

i pray to God every morning or everyday before i leave for work.

yet, i can't compare my faith to Samuel.
i may not know him but i see myself relating to certain sentences.

the below are some which i think it's very much for sharing to everyone.

The new destiny
As a christian, I can testify that life doesn’t turn into a bed of roses overnight after conversion. In fact, I still face problems today. I still feel ups and downs. One thing I appreciate and am certain, I see the changes within my own heart.

Little actions of faith makes a big difference to our future life. And with God by my side, guiding me and leading me, I am blessed.

I would not want to imagine myself without God. I would not want to imagine myself living my precious life meaninglessly. My life was redeemed and the price was paid, dearly paid by Christ’s own life on the cross.

Nevertheless, I am still in the progress and process of transforming and learning and changing and improving. I am still a person under construction by God. Any inconveniences caused is deeply regretted.

to the people/person i've hurt, disappointed, upset, angered (if you ever see my blog of this entry - i hereby deeply and sincerely apologised for my words and actions.

it's my stupidity, foolishness, childishness and immaturity.
all of us are at fault, i won't put the blame entirely on others but instead i do take it upon myself too.

it takes 2 hands to clap.

i admit i regretted it.

i could have handled it better and wiser but what was done is done.

it's impossible to undo.

i did try many times to save it but yet i still failed.

since it is gone, is it not meant to be?

if it's meant to be afterall, no matter what or when, it will still meant to be eventually.

i wish i could turn back time to fix it or face it with a bigger heart and bigger picture in mind.

probably today, the result won't be like that.

as i quote from the subject heading; 'i am still a person under construction by God.
any inconveniences caused is deeply regretted.'

rest...

2009-05-15T21:21:00.000+08:00

matthew 11:28
he gives me rest.

come to me,
all you who are weary and burdened,

and i will give you rest.

my 2 off days

2009-05-14T17:33:00.004+08:00

finally, i have my off days.
i've been working continuously off my ass since last week.
i wish i need not work.
or i hope not to work anymore.

i'm been looking for a new job since jan this year.
market so bad.
well, i have to be patient, patient and patient.
don't give up.

i'm so tired - mentally and physically since about 2 weeks ago.
sigh.
things happened.
sigh.

i've lost some of my favourite things recently.
so heart pain, so sad, so devastated, so hurt.
i loved them so much.
words can't describe how i feel towards them and my loss.
i can still picture them as where they are originally.
now, no more.
so bad.
sigh.

back to me, myself and i.
sigh.

my few dear friends, you should know i hardly and rarely love anything.
when i love something, means i rrreaaalllyyy love.
what to do...

i made a trip to asian civilisation museum yesterday.
to see the kangxi emperor treasures.
it's good to see the artifacts and can imagine how it was like in ancient times.

today, my mum, sis and i went to the zoo.
my mum haven't been there for the longest time.
we decided to go since both she and i happened to off on the same day plus my sis is having her school holidays.
well, make my mum and sis happy mah.

i'm back to my old self again.
no communications after working hours about work.
no human connections once i reach home.
i reckoned my hp bill for this month will decrease.

although i would be wallowing up in my room, lying on my mattress, feeling small.
watch tv, listen to radio, do my reading.

hope the things and time spent during these 2 off days helps to take my mind off certain matters and lighten my heavy heart.

move on? moved on? moving on?

2009-05-13T08:21:00.006+08:00

have i or had i or am i?
it depends on how it is to me.

a couple of days ago, while my department staff are in the inventory room, one of my staff pointed out to me one of the inventory boy was feeling blue.
i turned to ask him why.
he said when he does his job, there will people who say, when he doesn't does his job, there are still people who say.
a group of them then asked me for 'words of wisdom'.

i told them, life is unfair.
no matter how much you do, it doesn't mean a thing when people changed their thoughts and feelings.
you are and will be so unappreciated.
people tend to find fault when they are not happy.
when they have an opportunity, they make use of the chance to blow up, to express their unhappiness.

life still goes on.
everyone has to move on, moved on, moving on.
has anyone or anything stopped for you?
people can be selfish for themselves.
even on the expenses of other people, even people whom they are closed with before, during and some even after.

the room just go 'wwwaaahhh'.
they asked am i a gurus?
well after living over 3 decades of my life in this world and society, i have learn, learned, learnt and learning.

abstract

2009-05-09T20:31:00.004+08:00

this afternoon at work, i thought of my dear 3eye alien.
remembered she is suffering from sleeping disorder these days.
apparently, she hasn't recover from it yet.
well, hope after your perth trip you will be well.
do take lots of pictures.

my dear friend asked how am i?
i'm feeling down these days.
she already read my previous entries.
thanks my friend for offering to meet me when you are back.
i know you care for me.
all these 8 years, you have never fail to lighten my heavy load of feelings even if it's just a few words of concern.

she told me when we talk about deep thoughts and feelings, both of us are the same.
we tend to be abstract.

i was thinking some people recover fast as soon as they have a change of feelings.
probably, it wasn't as important or memorable as it seems at all.
i gave out a short laugh when i realised it.
enlighten!
why?
the laughter is for me.
yes, i laughed at myself.
looks like i'm still the one dwelling on it.
revolving around on the same spot.
why?
because it's important and it mean alot to me.

some things given to me have meanings.
at one point in my life, they are the best and the only things i treasure alot.
but when it's gone, having or owning them seems meaningless.

is it abstract?
yes... in a way.
because we are all human beings.

**maybe i should go somewhere to recover myself.

change

2009-05-08T10:55:00.002+08:00

i realised that people tend to change their feelings and thoughts like a swift.

it happens to me as well but when i'm not the victim, i won't feel that much about it.

well, i've experienced it recently.

it happened to me on an issue which i'm deeply concerned with.

someone told me 'we have to move on.'

i do say that sentence to some people before.

but when i'm being told on that, i guess i'm dumbstuck too.

things haven't been well for me lately.

i don't know why.

i try to make the best out of it but still unsuccessful.

humpty dumpty

2009-05-04T17:26:00.003+08:00

humpty dumpty sat on a wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall.
all the king's horses,
and all the king's men
couldn't put humpty together again!

i'm humpty...

End...

2009-04-30T20:30:00.001+08:00

all good things will eventually come to an end.
i believed so.
tonight, i've experienced it.
maybe it's a relief for other people but for me, it isn't.

coz i put in my heart, mind and soul in doing it...
from the start to the process and even till the end which i try to hang on to.
i always thought it will carry on as i see no end in it.
i still have plans for it just a few days ago.
i even thought of how it will be in future.

sometimes, i wish i could turn back the time to make it better.
perhaps now it would be different.
but it takes two hands to clap.
even if i want now, would other people still want?

it's very disappointing that it still doesn't come through.
all the efforts, time and energy spent just go down the drain.
wasted... pity...
i don't think i can find any suitable words to describe how i feel now.
sigh...

nonetheless, life still goes on.
the world will never stop revolving.

Tired...

2009-04-17T19:40:00.003+08:00

my physical and mental state of me is as the aboved stated.
the recent new upgrade of the company's system is making me tired.
i'm not a savvy technology person.

yet have to solve issues/problems of the computer, zebra printers and product scanners.

i don't want to depend on other people (not everyone is helpful or willing to help anyway) so have to find ways and try to get people to help by myself.

finally after about 2 weeks, i see progress today.

can't wait for my off day tomorrow.

the past week/s seems so long for me.

tired...

2009-03-26T12:48:00.002+08:00

my mental and emotions now are as the picture describes.

passed

2009-03-26T12:42:00.003+08:00

after a month of wait, today i've received the results of my test.

the letter states:
this is to inform you that you have met the requirements of the English Entrance Proficiency Test conducted by the RELC Examinations Bureau in full, you have passed the EPT.
validity of result - no expiry.

question?

2009-03-14T20:31:00.004+08:00

this afternoon, my staff (st) came up to me on the shopfloor.

st: **, a customer wants to speak to a manager.
me: regarding?
st: he wants to know what is the difference between '3 for 2' and 'buy 2, get 1 free'? and i don't now how to tell him?
me: doesn't he know it's the same meaning but different words of phrasing it?

st shrugged...
i then explained.

me: '3 for 2' is buy any 3 books (show st my 3 fingers) and pay for 2 (show st my 2 fingers).
'buy 2, get 1 free' is buy any 2 books (show st my 2 fingers) and get 1 other free (show st my
3 fingers).
me: you get it? show him your fingers. if the customer still don't understand, let me know.

st smiled and went off to look for the customer.
i stood by the side and watched her explained to him.
he actually thought '3 for 2' is buy 3 books for 2 DOLLARS! buy 2 books for the price of 1!
and you wonder, people buy books to read and yet can't read simple english.

surrealist art

2009-03-04T20:54:00.013+08:00

this morning my fellow manager walkie-talkie me to the back of the store to see the display shelves.

when i reached there, she was assisting a middle aged lady on an art enquiry.

she was going through the content page of a rather thick art book.

i stood aside while waiting.

the lady saw me and said to my fellow colleague, 'maybe she (refers to me) can help you.'

my colleague said: 'oh! she studied art, maybe she knows.'

this lady looked up at me and asked: 'do you know what is surrealist art?'

i paused for a second, i can feel my mind scanning through my brain; zooming to the section of art history, flipping the chapter to surrealist art.

in the midst of this second, the lady said to me: 'you studied art and don't know what is surrealist art?'

i tell you, i can hear from this question that not only ends with a ?, it also ends with a !.

my mind ran through these words 'what the #@% do you mean by this?

the second passed.

i am awaken.

i smiled and replied: 'surrealist art. do you know dali? he does surrealist art.'

she gave me a blank look.

'who is dali?' she said.

i said: 'oh, you don't know? he was a painter and a sculpturist. his famous works are the clocks and alice in the wonderland. he has a series of works and painting on the clocks.'

she then asked: 'what kind of art is it about?'

i replied: 'his style is imaginery, a kind of flowing feeling.'

she went, ooohhh! ooohhh!

this woman, don't know what is the real surrealist art, don't come questioning me like nobody business.

she messed with the wrong person.
actually...

about a year ago my sis and i went to see dali's art exhibition at taka - opera gallery and his works were rather memorable to me + a couple of his aboved mentioned sculptures were displayed along orchard road too.

i went online afterthat to download a few of his works so it kinda 'finds its way and settle down in my mind' but got to take a bit of time to find the exact location.

and most of all, i happen to have that winy bit of interest in art history.

back at work

2009-02-22T19:48:00.004+08:00

today is my 1st day back at work after 2 weeks of leave.
i woke up at 5.20am, even before the alarm rang.
did my washing up and left home at 5.45am.
i think i took the first bus and arrived in office at 6.05am.
when everyone is still asleep, when the sun has yet to rise.
i'm already sitting down in front of my com reading and clearing the accumulated 315 emails.
plus have to prepare for shift briefings notes and staff schedule for the day.
all these have to be completed before 7am when the shift starts.

back to work means increase of my blood pressure.
one of my staff used to tell me that in order for my department staff to be disciplined at work especially when i'm not around, i have to place my beautiful picture in the room, right at their faces where they can see.
then they will be 'motivated' to work.
'shaking my head' after i stepped into the store.
only one sentence in my mind - i got to make noise at them!

one of my staff told me that he dreamt of me the previous night.
he thought he was dreaming when he saw me in office this afternoon.
i asked him what did he dream of?
he said i was scolding him.
he just stood still and replied me with 'yes mdm, no mdm, yes mdm'.
i said 'wow! how do you know? that is exactly what i'm going to do now.'
and i gave him a little bit piece of my mind.
which lasted about 5 minutes.
guess what?
its just as he dreamt.
he replied 'yes mdm, no mdm, yes mdm'.

that's just one only.
i got a couple more to suffer from my tongue lashing.
sigh! gave me headache....
i immediately popped 2 panadol pills after dinner when i reached home.

as i typed now, you can imagine how glad i am that the day has ended.
oh well.
till next working day!

so right

2009-02-21T20:17:00.003+08:00

one of my fellow managers called me to pour her grievances.
this particular sentence just amuses me.
'our 2 bosses: 1 has no balls, the other 1 carry balls.'
i was smiling when i heard that.
it may be just a simple short sentence but the words fully describes them so right.

my mum

2009-02-19T21:38:00.003+08:00

i always think my mum as a great woman.
not only did she take care of her 3 grown up children who still behaves like kids + my dad who still ... cannot make it at times.
ha!

my mum is a brave woman too.
she has went through 2 major knee operations, today she went through another one.
it's her right hand.
the operation was called 'trigger finger release'.
my mum can't move her fingers on her right hand, neither could she clutch her fist.
she's been enduring the pain for these past few months.

though it's not a big operation as previously but i have to acknowledge and compliment on her courage.
yesterday, she was notified of her operation for today.
despite such short notice, my mum still want to proceed.

i've been with my mum at SGH since 8.40am this morning.
we just came back at around 9pm.
alot of waiting and waiting today.
we waited till 4.10pm then my mum was pushed into the operating theatre.
she was pushed out around 6.40pm.
then we waited for the doctor to review and take prescription of medication.
my mum was impatient as she can't wait to get out of the place.
she went to harass the ward nurses.
to the extend that she stood at the counter to 'pressurize' them.

though the hospital foodcourt doesn't served great tasty food but my mum couldn't care much coz she was rrreeeaaalllyy hungry.
after all were done, we left the hospital at 8pm plus.
we took a cab home coz my mum was too tired and the painkiller has worn off.

my mum said the pain isn't very great.
at least compared to the 2 knee ops, it's still endurable.

so, ... these 3 weeks i got to do my own laundry (plus my sis) and help out in housework.

values

2009-02-17T11:53:00.003+08:00

i was thinking about this before i sleep last night.

something from the tv programme prompted me.

everyone has their own values at different stage of life.

that's why people set out to do different things, have their own goals to achieve at different stages.

www.jadeartz.com

2009-02-15T22:27:00.002+08:00

i'm thinking of my dear old friend at this moment.

everyone, do check out her website.

she is very very talented.

**dedicated to you, my friend.

hope you are doing well in s.f now.

Leave

2009-02-12T11:04:00.004+08:00

i'm on leave again.

feeling so glad.

however, on the other hand...

i'm still in a waiting process;

i'm still in a searching stage.