melancholy
Friday, June 26, 2009
i've been reading a few books on suicide fiction recently.
makes me feel ... ... dark, down, sad and depressed.
there are so many people out there in the world.
what's so special about me?
maybe i'm considered 'special' as i have abit of crooked teeth and a hunchback.
or i'm just like any one out there who sleeps, eats, watches tv, listens to music, read and work for a living.
my melancholy times of mini me.
deathi want to die so i can be free of the saddness, unhappiness, depressed and painful feelings in me.
maybe... perhaps...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
today i was doing audit in the finance room.
this colleague whom i didn't usually interact alot but she is a nice quiet person asked me a couple of questions.
her questions are:
why i didn't have someone in my life? is it because of my irregular shifts?
it was rather a ... ... question.
i paused for a second, put down the whole lot of paperwork in my hands.
i turned to look at her and say: -
"it's very hard to find someone AND have that someone who will loves me for who i am, what i am and how i am.""it's not easy to have someone who is and will be strong for me.""it's not just any one who is willing to take that step, much less to say to actually do it.""it's difficult especially when one's family and friends' views/opinions are being placed at a much more important place than me."
"so, where am i in such situation?" "is there effort done to fight for it?""will there be any perserverance to the relationship?"
"and eventually, the person's own interests comes first or to sacrifice mine?"she listened and nodded her head.
i guess she's acknowledging my words.
she then said to me: -
"if someone really truely loves you, then that someone will be willing and strong to face whatever obstacles, problems and difficulties together with you."
i smiled weakly and said to her:-"life is like that - never smooth sailing, always unfair.""maybe... perhaps... i guess that's why i'm me, myself and i."
on happiness
one day, the young lion asked his mom: "mom, where is the happiness?"
mom replied: "it's on your tail."
so the young lion keeps on chasing after his tail.
but after a whole day of trying, he failed to get the happiness that was on his tail.
then he told his mom about this, his mom smiled and said: "son, you don't really need to chase after your happiness.
as long as you keep going and moving forward, your happiness will always be with you.
you can't decide the length of life but you can control how you want to live it.
you can't control the weather but you can control your mood.
you can't change your look but you can smile.
you can't control others but you can control yourself.
you can't foresee tomorrow but you can utilize today wisely.
you can't win everything but you can try your very best to achieve that.
hope everyone can face the daily life positively and always be happy.
**it's raining for the whole of today.
makes me feel rainy too...
expiry
Monday, June 22, 2009
i hope to be expired first.
i can't bear to see my family and beloved friends leave before me.
my heart is not very strong to lose someone close to me.
this is my weakest point.
i wonder how will life be without me?
will i make a difference?
or am i easily forgotten?
pay my respects
Sunday, June 21, 2009
time flies.
another year has passed.
many things has happened during this period.
happy and sad...
today is my 3rd visit with my mum, sis and aunt to pay respects to my eldest uncle's grave.
my aunt drove us to Choa Chu Kang.
my grandma didn't go with us this time.
she is ill.
it was raining heavily as compared to big sunny weather last year.
we sat in the car while waiting for the rain to stop.
even with the heavy rain, i can still see the graves around us.
it has increased... more than last year when we came.
sitting silently in the car, looking out at the rain by the window i turned to my sis and said: "if i am to be buried, do my grave in marble."
life is so fragile.
everyday there are people who died and everyday there will be more and more graves filling up the empty space on the land.
suicide... funeral... eventually
Thursday, June 18, 2009
suicide
unlike old age or cancer, no one anticipates a suicide.
they simply left without a chance to get things in order.
death
i want to die so i can be free of the saddness, unhappiness, depressed and painful feelings in me.
funeral
i thought about my own funeral.
more and more, in very general terms.
just the fact of dying.
i could picture life - family, friends and everything else - continuing on without me.
but i could not picture my funeral.
not at all.
mostly because i couldn't imagine who would attend or what they would say.
i had... i have... no idea what you think of me.
eventually
you can't stop the future.
you can't rewind the past.
happy birthday joey!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
dearest sweet joey, happy birthday to you!
i wish you happiness, laughters, smiles and many more joyfulness to come.
may you have an enjoyable and wonderous time on this special day.
**i remembered you told me you like strawberry cake.
though the picture aboved is different from the one i bought for you that day but i hope you will find similarity somehow.
fake people
jess emailed me some sentences from a student's facebook.
true as it may be in today's world for which i have to agree nonethless.
"Encountering fake people is like taking a walk in the park.
They sprout everywhere like wildflowers.
And like the weed among the grass patches, no matter how good they look, they are still weeds.
If they die, they do not deserve pity.
For they will sprout elsewhere.
They are the survivors."
my philosophy in life:-
don't know;
don't care;
don't bother;
don't understand.
1st visit to jess's house
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
this evening was my first visit to jess's new house after she got married about 6 months ago.
on my way to meet her then i realised that i only have with me was "a bunch of bananas".
yes, means nothing lor... only my ten fingers.
with about 30 minutes more before meeting her at her school bus stop, i went to raffles city to choose a nice heartwarming gift not only for her but for her husband, lionel as well.
i told her afterthat he won't have to share with her over the gifts as each will have one - fair and square.
i even called my sis for suggestions before confirming on my selections.
actually i'm more or less decided but just want to hear a second opinion.
well, i chose 2 sets of breakfast set which consists of a bowl, plate, sauce plate and a cup.
there are 3 colours so i choose a blue/green set for her husband and a pink/orange set for jess.
as both were gift wrapped and i didn't asked the salesgirl to leave any indication for which is for whom, so i told jess they have to open together.
it will depends on fate to who will get the set i've intended for whom in my mind.
this morning, jess messaged me.
"jo, so qiao lor.
last night b4 we slept, i opened the box with pink and he opened the box with blue."
oh well...
looks like it's fate after all.
dinner with joey
Monday, June 15, 2009
this evening is to celebrate joey's birthday.
i still remembered last year's.
well, don't expect me to sing the birthday song to you again.
it's not my style... so not me...
i did so last year coz my mum kept urging me on to sing or rather she made me do it.
i wore a HOT colour.
that made her laugh widely when i elaborate on how HOT i am.
i fetched joey after work and we trained the new circle line.
"fried maggi mee" was my 1st attempt try on this "i've never heard, seen and tasted before" dish.
and that "ju gui" was much delicious than the tiong bahru market's.
the meal didn't failed us afterall, worth the lengthy trip to travel to eat eventhough what you initially plan to eat didn't open for business.
funny that now i thought about it, i realised we can sit at a market for a few hours just eating and talking.
we did that before...
does it foresee us in 30 years later when we celebrate your birthday?
market + us = ???
well, i'm glad you like the piece of cake i've got you after my 2nd thoughts.
though this year you won't have a whole cake + my singing but you'll definitely have the gifts which i will hope you will like it.
work=backache, nice=pain, flu=tissue paper
Sunday, June 14, 2009
work=backache
this morning, i woke up to a straining pain.
my back muscles were aching.
must be friday before i was loading and carrying up to 2 pallets of cartons filled with books.
**fyi, 1 pallet=42 cartons; 2 pallets=84 cartons
sigh!
work...
i noticed a small bruised area at my waist which i reckoned i had that spot to support the cartons in order for me to lift up to the level which exceeds my own height.
nice=pain
i played a good nice samaritian yesterday.
a lady left her handphone in the toilet cubicle.
i went in after her and saw it.
in between the quick reflex action to hold on the door, the cubicle door slammed on my index finger.
ouch!!! but still...
i went after the lady and returned her the handphone.
and i'm still ouch!!! ouch!!! ouch!!!
my finger is bruised with a patch of blood clot beneath my fingernail.
so much for being nice...
what has my nice-ness in humanity brought me?
my finger kinda' numb now.
flu=tissue paper
i don't know what and when this slimy liquid takes controls my nose.
i was sneezing, sniffing non-stop and experiencing blocked nose since this morning.
i may have got it last night...
my tissue box has never once left out of my reach.
i even had it replenished with more tissue paper about an hour ago.
it has made my head feels giddy.
popped a flu pill just now.
imagine there are a whole lot of small lumps of tissue paper filled with that whatever surrounding me.
sigh! oh well...
wanted to read and watch tv on this sunday but i can't get my energy level up.
i'm reaching for tissue again...
numerology part 3: characteristics
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Name number (fullname)
Relates to how you express yourself in the many outer experiences of your life.
my name number is 8.
-> ambition, power, production, money, security, practicality, materialism, status oriented, power-seeking
Destiny number (birthdate)
Also known as "Life Path" or "Birth Path", this number remains constant in your life (doesn't change with marriage, initiation, etc.). It tells a lot about why you are here on Earth and what you are meant to accomplish.
my birthdate is 4.
-> stability, firmness, security, conservative, practical, forms, systems, solidity, objectivity
Personality number
This number is derived from the consonants in your name and relates to the practical side of your life, such as career and personal relationships.
my personality number is 1.
-> independent, individualistic, martial, original, assertive, dominating, forceful, willful, pioneering, leading, initiating action, attaining
Soul Urge number
This number is derived from the vowels in your name and relates to the subjective, inner aspects of our lives.
my soul urge is 7.
-> philosophical, quiet, analytical, introspective, understanding, intuitive, inspirational, reclusive, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating
numerology part 2: my birth date
Your Birth Day number is 24
You are family-oriented, with a gift for restoring and maintaining balance and harmony in relationships.
You are emotional and sensitive and like to demonstrate your love.
You have a gift for both the healing and cultural arts.
You can be overly emotional and even melodramatic.
You have a tendency to magnify your emotional issues, especially when they involve some kind of criticism of you.
You are willing to sacrifice much to maintain harmony in important relationships.
You willingly provide a soft shoulder to cry on or a ready ear to hear out someone's travail.
You are energetic, responsible and helpful, but your sympathetic nature may cause you to interfere in relationships and get you into trouble.
Know your limits.
At the same time, you must avoid being taken advantage of.
Your artistic talent goes in many directions, but you are likely gifted in acting and drama.
At the same time, you generally do well in business because you are systematic, careful, and patient in your approach to business issues.
You can be a bit impractical, however, and need others to give you sound advice.
You are a good friend and a faithful companion.
You attract sound people to you who gladly advance you along the lines of your talents. wonder what's my year of completion, release and transformation?
9 Personal Year
Personal Year the 9 invites you to pay special attention to your inner world.
You have graduated from a cycle of experience.
It is a time for completing many areas of experience so that you can move freely into the next cycle ahead without carrying forward outgrown or unneeded baggage.
There is a letting go of the old as anticipation of future possibilities exists.
so, new year - new beginning? new opportunities? new change?
numerology part 1: my own numerology reading
qiyu msn this website to me and ginn.
try and see if it's accurate.
well, mine is like ME reading about ME.
http://www.decoz.com/DoReading_numerology.htm
Your Life Path is 4
Your Life Path (sometimes called Destiny) is derived from your birth date.
Your Life path is the road you are traveling.
It reveals the opportunities and challenges you will face in life.
Your Life Path number is the single most important information available in your Personality Chart!
You are practical, down to earth with strong ideas about right and wrong.
You are orderly and organized, systematic and controlled, you are decisive and methodical employing a step by step rational approach to problems solving.
Once committed you do not give up easily!
You are not one for "get rich quick" schemes.
Rather you use hard work and long hours to build a business or career- you seek to establish a solid foundation.
Precise, tenacious and persevering, you have great potential for success, but only after putting out effort and overcoming the limitations you so often encounter.
Justice and honesty are sacred to you.
You are reliable and dependable, a cornerstone in the community.
Though not an idealist, you are willing to work for a better world in a realistic way.
However, you can be rigid in your ideas and sometimes too quick in judging your fellow man.
You are loyal to those you love and work well with others. .
It is important that while being part of a team you have your own responsibility and well- defined task, you perform better when your responsibilities are not overlapping with those of others.
You have to be careful not to be bossy and rude.
You possess rare discipline and perseverance and not everyone can keep up with you.
You can handle money carefully and like the security of a nest egg.
Your love of work often leads you into a career early in life.
Because of your methodical nature you can easily become rigid and stuck in convention.
You can also be overly cautious when changes are necessary, this can cause you to miss opportunities that present themselves .
You must cultivate flexibility in your character.
You are well suited for marriage and often become a responsible loving parent.
However, anything that violates your profound sense of order, such as separation or divorce can be a shattering experience for you.
You easily become obsessed and even vengeful, seeking your own definition of justice.
You are courageous and a true survivor.
You are a builder and the foundation of any enterprise.
Your hard work and practical, traditional values pay off to provide you with the rewards you seek and deserve.
thanks ginn!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
the lazy me asked ginn to help me renew my passport which is expirying in 11 nov 2009.
jess told me i should have it done 6 months before.
i recalled joey told me so too.
oh well!
slipped my mind.
otherwise, i can't travel for the next few months without my passport.
me: how to renew passport?
me: i went already. so complicated. i lost my patience. can you help me?
ginn: can. send me your date of issue, IC, passport photo. eventhough it will be black & white eventually.
me: you are SO sweet, SO nice. thank you so much.
ha! i just email ginn my passport details and not forgetting my qian bian yet adorable face.
people change/d
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
jess was in conversation with me on our ex-uni classmates.
the past 10 years since we graduated, we did happened to see a few of our ex-classmates.
for the record, none of them ever recognised me.
a few times, we even come face to face.
maybe they:
1. didn't see me
2. can't recognise me
3. pretend not to see me
4. choose not to see me
people see what they want to see.
me too... in a way.
i'm not perfect.
i'm just a human being.
when i saw them, i also can't be bothered if they see or recognise me.
not that even if we acknowledged each other, we have things to talk about.
it's our destiny that our fates will be like that.
-} to the people who once crossed paths with me.
people change as time goes by.
change for the better or worse?
change for own selfish reasons?
change for someone?
i told joey a few weeks ago, i've changed too.
i'm no longer the one when i was 10-15 years ago but yet, all these years i still hold on to my own beliefs and principles.
trusting and insisting on certain things which i strongly want and hope them to be.
what about you?
have you changed?
or you want to be changed?
or you need to change?
if you have, how have you changed?
if you do, why do you changed?
if you does, who/whom does you changed for?
if you did, what did you changed for?
surprise excursion
jess messaged me to meet up for dinner tonight.
it was rather impromptu.
so, we confirmed the following.
meeting time: 5.30pm
venue: TMC - her school entrance
jess was already anticipating for my arrival at the entrance by our meeting time.
guess what?
she brought me around on a tour in her school, showing me the recreation area, presentation hall, classrooms, lecture theatres, meeting rooms, staff room, etc... of course, her office table.
she also introduced me her 'buddy at work', colleagues, her school dean as well as the school cleaner auntie.
i was like some VIP smiling, shaking hands and introducing myself to the people i meet.
"hi, how are you?"
"nice to meet you."
"i've heard so much about you."
"it's my pleasure."
quite interesting actually.
doing something out of the normal me.
being the not so ordinary me.
we had a nice dinner after that.
sometimes, it's a nice feeling to do something unplanned.
**i'm not the sociable type nor do i feel the need to know more people at this moment of my life.
most of all, i'm this friendly tonight because it's for jess.
virtual friends
Sunday, June 7, 2009
it's all started with jess emailed me asking: btw, who is joey?
so, i did a short intro of joey to jess via email.
never did i expect joey to reply to jess...
Hi Jess
this has got to be the most unique way of knowing a new fren:) Nice to know u
*virtual handshake.
Well, Jo next time we can all have dinner or something together:)
*point to note: Jo is very generous with her compliments~very generous?
coz i written something like this:-
joey has her own blog.
you will find that she is a very interesting, adventurous, smart and charming person plus in real person, she is very pretty.joey said i should introduce jess to her as well.
i shouldn't be just on herself or jess will be jealous!
i was like: "yah hor. ok i will write something about jess."
so i did a short intro of jess to joey via email.
the next thing i knew was jess replied joey's email too.
Hello Joey!
Nice to 'read' you :D
*virtual handshake
Jo is too good in writing - it's SPH's loss not to hire her as a guest writer *I know that since we were doing our undergrad
Yes - let's meet up in real person for dinner together - Well I guess the great 'Js' will click welltoo good in writing?
coz i written somewhere along the line like this:-
jess is my very good, close and trusted friend.
oh! she is very gorgerous too.
especially she had this fabulous new hairstyle she cutted recently.
that's not the end.both saw each other's pictures via virtually online too -> joey's blog & jess new hairstyle pic which i insisted she take and show me.
conclusion: joey is very pretty & jess is simply gorgeous.
... ... and jo is ... ... anyone care to fill in the blanks?
quote from a priest's sermon today
Saturday, June 6, 2009
quote:
"don't just focus on the person's weaknesses and the negativity of your relationship with his/her, you tend to lose your appreciation of the goodness for the person, what the person has done for you and his/her presence in your life."
small but yet not small
Friday, June 5, 2009
this morning, someone messaged me this.
it goes:
i have to apologise.
i know you are nice person but please know i will never abuse that and take advantage of you.
(eventhough you are small in size... hehe)*peace*
what has my nice-ness to humanity brought me in my life?
......
i don't want to put it down now in this post.
sometimes, i or rather me keeping quiet doesn't mean i'm fine or ok about things.
it also doesn't mean i can or will condone other people's actions.
sometimes, i or rather me lying low or stay out of sight doesn't mean i'm unaware or i don't care.
i'm just giving people time and space.
we are already grown ups and should have certain degree of initiatives, so let's deal with it.
simplest way is communication.
everyone has their issues and things to do but don't be so selfish that one only care about ownself and forget other people.
and don't do it on my expense.
i will not be pleased.
so when i address the issue, it means everyone has to wake up your idea!
yellow!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
my mum said i'm yellow!
she got worried and immediately made me drink down a bottle of ginseng bird's nest.
'made me' as in definition:- she stood infront of me to ensure i swallowed down the whole of everything.
my work station
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
this picture is taken for you, joey!
since i had a short tour in your office and seen your table the other day, so here's the picture taken of my table for you as promised.
things that make you go hhmm...
this was what i saw in my inventory room white board as i stepped in today.
it just makes me go hhhmmm...
i have no idea these people go havoc when i'm not around.
these names are my department staff and an 'intruder' from another dept.
well, the characters does share similarities to the real people in person.
can anyone see which is apparently 'me'?
good or bad?
am i fuming with 'what the
%&*@' or amused by it?
i leave it to you to figure out.
walk
Monday, June 1, 2009
i strolled home today.
i took a different bus after work this evening.
alighted a bus stop away and walked my way home.
listening on my earphones of my old worn off sony FM radio receiver.
filling my mind with the DJ's choice of music.
somehow i feel out of the ordinary me today.
summarizing may 2009
may 2009 is over.
just want to sum it all up.
hhhmmm...
it's the saddest, depressing, most heart pain and hurtful month of my life.
i've already live past an average lifetime of a person, how much longer will i still be in this world? 10 years? 20 years? 30 years?
well, i don't want to live long either.
soon, in a few more years time, i'll be reaching my big 4'O'.
i may still be the same as i am today with the exception in increasing of digit in age.
probably, i should be glad that i managed to experience the whole lot of emotional feelings.
maybe some people don't/won't even have the chance.
eventually, i will still be dust to dust; ashes to ashes.
and so someday, i will write a book of mine.
titled 'me, myself & i'.
it will be in my retirement plan.
i'll probably print it too.
to my dearest friends, i'll be sure to leave a copy for each of you plus autograph.
may 2009 will be chronicled in one of my life chapters.
the book will be filled with my most heartfelt words, sincere feelings and thoughts of my life.
it may not be very colourful, fanciful or interesting but i hope all of you will remember me in my own way.
